Cady Heron Moment (Before The City)

Well... well... this is where it starts. Before I started my new job in the Big Apple, I got a tonsillectomy and started watching the iconic "Sex and the City" while moaning and crying over popsicles. I watched and contemplated my life, as I suspect everyone does, and reflected on my experiences as a guy who likes men... a gay man. What even is gay? Have we defined it? The Merriam-Webster definition is "of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to people of one's same sex." Well, I am a guy... and I like guys, lol... so I am gay. Well, no duh, Sherlock. But as I grazed over my thoughts, why have I always been uncomfortable with the idea of being gay? Is it internal struggle? Well, it used to be, but not anymore... or is it that one word can define who I am? One word people see me as, how people perceive me, and put me in a box. My father says, "We live in a world where people need labels and stereotypes to understand the world around them." Is this true? Do I need to be comfortable with the idea that people just need a definition to understand me? Can there be a world where people can just love without a label to define that love? I mean, why can’t I just be a guy who likes guys? Do I have to be introduced as gay? I don’t know if these are just vitriolic thoughts, but am I alone? As I licked my popsicles and tensed when I swallowed—side note, getting your tonsils out as an adult sucks—I reflected on how powerful the word gay is. Although the word opens the gates for people perceiving you as a certain someone, the word has a history of countless people who have given their lives for it to prosper in daily language. Well, I take that back, "gay" used to mean happy. But you know what I mean. With kings and queens hiding their lovers, to the Stonewall riots of June 1969, to the 1965 gay march held in front of Independence Hall in Philadelphia, to US gay marriage being legalized on June 26, 2015, there is a lot of pride with the word, hence I guess that is why we have “Pride” month, lol. But again, is this a moral relativism issue that I face, where I feel I have to be okay labeled as such? Maybe, it is how pop culture has expressed it through media. While growing up in the early 21st century, I saw very flamboyant men who flaunted their metrosexual lifestyle in movies and shows. As I watched this, I thought, "Was this how I should behave? Is this what gay men should be like?" Before I even thought of “gay”, my idea of cool was wearing tucked-in gray shirts, Harry Potter glasses, and burying myself in Greek mythology books…so obviously, I was picked on. My first time being called “gay” was by these two classmates in my 6th-grade industrial arts class. “You are so gay, dude.” “No, I am not,” I triumphantly shot back. “Okay, well if you are not, check your fingernails.” “Check my fingernails,” I thought, what on earth does checking fingernails have to do with being gay? But I knew it was a test and I checked them. “See, gay,” he said as I put them straight in front of me instead of curling them. But I was so confused, was this a defining factor for being “gay”? My 12-year-old self was confused because I didn’t even know if I was. I felt “normal” but people saw this flamboyant nature in me. Was it my androgynous look? But how does somebody’s look and nature contribute to their sexuality? I felt that I was normal, just smaller than the rest. I had no idea if I liked boys or/and girls... well until I watched “The Lucky One”... Thanks, Zac Efron. But I was an outcast, a nerd. But what I did notice was that all these gay men were best friends with groups of girls, especially blonde girls. Even in movies and shows, you have this history of the so-called “GBF” and when I entered high school, I was front and center of it. In my freshman year, I hung out with these guys, but they made fun of me a lot. I know, I know, that is what guys do... but what can I say, I was sensitive and it was often about how I acted. So I ventured off and promised myself I was going to no longer be a nobody introvert and instead, be a full-fledged extrovert for my sophomore year. And it worked! I made so many friends and people started to refer to me as “popular.” I gave into this “GBF” life and was extremely flamboyant and open about sex wherever I turned (although I was a secret virgin). It made people laugh and people seem to like me (a lot), for the first time. I was the only out gay guy at my school and I even won the “sunshine” award in my student council. I felt that I finally figured it out. But as school ended and summer came around, I started to hate this version of myself. It wasn’t me, well, sorta wasn't me. I wasn't the super flamboyant boy everyone thought I was. It wasn’t until later that I realized I am modest and private about my body. On top of this, this sexual liberation that I thought I had to portray in order to be accepted didn’t even help in the end because during the summer, no one wanted to hang out with me. And if they did, it was out of pity. I was so confused. I did what the movies said. I became the GBF. I put myself in the box that everyone wanted. But as I cried that summer, I came to the epiphany that although the fad was the “GBF” and people put this front of accepting you, they were not truly accepting of you behind closed doors. So I realized, no matter what I do, it’s “fake.” I guess I had my Mean Girls Cady Heron moment. It’s funny because when I graduated high school, my sister and many people told me I was popular. Sure, people knew me, I talked to everyone. But I always felt embarrassed when I heard this because the entire time, no one seemed to truly want to hang out with me. Well, I didn’t want this to be a complete sad story and so I will add, in my junior year, I decided to be more myself—the nerdy, studious, more introverted—and made two close friends that were there for me during hard times. People still knew me and I still moved through high school with kindness, but I wasn’t this super “oh my god, I love your shirt, I am obsessed with you” kind of person. And sure, people weren’t as friendly with me as before. Maybe they felt they needed this stereotype presented to them in order to be accepting of a foreign idea of “gay.” Maybe they couldn’t handle someone like me who is more monotonous compared to the overly intense metrosexual gay man. I guess from this whole preface I subjected you to, was that I found it to be okay. To be comfortable with this idea. Because I would rather be friends with people who accepted all of me, the nerdy, the loud, the crazy, the introvert, than someone who I am not.

xoxo C

P.S. before we venture to the city stories, let’s dive back into the funny and awkward times